Helping a Grieving Friend: Practical Ways to Offer Comfort and Support
I was sitting on the sidelines watching one of my boys' baseball practices as I chatted with two other moms. One shared how her friend had just tragically lost a loved one and how awkward it felt because she didn't know what to say or how to act.
At the time, I didn't have much to add to the conversation because I felt the same way.
A few weeks later, my oldest son was killed in a car accident.
Suddenly, that conversation took on an entirely new meaning.
When someone loses a loved one, our instinct is to provide comfort and care to somehow ease their pain. Yet many of us worry that we'll say or do the wrong thing. Sometimes that fear causes us to pull back altogether.
As someone who has sat on both sides of grief, let me encourage you: I would rather receive clumsy condolences than silence.
In our desire to make things better, we sometimes reach for explanations when what a grieving person really needs is your presence and compassion.
Eliminate Platitudes
Remove platitudes from your vocabulary. Instead of saying, “At least they're in a better place,” or worse, “God must have really needed them,” it's perfectly acceptable to simply say, “I am so very sorry for your loss.” There are no magic words that will take away their pain, and that's okay.
Show Up, Don’t Overpromise
Avoid making promises that you can’t keep. Instead of saying “I will be here for you,” simply show up and care for your friend in ways that you are able. None of us knows what tomorrow will hold, and while your desire is to ease her suffering, only God can perfectly sustain her through this loss.
Your Presence Matters
Be There. There will only be one funeral, memorial service, and burial. Make it a priority to be there.
When our son died, friends and loved ones traveled from all over the country to attend his service. Nearly nine years later, my husband and I still recount their kindness. In one of the darkest seasons of our lives, their presence reminded us that we were not alone. They were the hands and feet of Christ to our broken hearts.
Allow Room to Grieve
Give her the space she needs. There takes a certain selflessness and humility to allow your friend the space that they need to adjust to their new normal. Don’t take their quietness personally; their world just turned upside down, and it takes time to process such a loss.
Don’t Ask, Act
Avoid asking, "What do you need?" While your heart may simply be to help, this question gives the bereaved another problem to solve. The truth is, they often have no idea what they need.
You are their friend; you know them. Think about what would bless them based on what you already know. Do they love flowers? What's their favorite coffee drink? Would a gift card to their favorite restaurant be helpful? Perhaps you could drop off a meal, run an errand, or help with a household task.
Thoughtful, specific acts of kindness are often far more meaningful than a general offer to help.
Pray
Pray. Years ago, I was taught that when someone comes to mind, it's an opportunity to pray for them. So, as you think of your friend and her situation, lift her to the Lord in prayer and then tell her! Let her know that you are thinking of her. I can’t tell you how many text messages I received at just the right time.
Say Their Name
Don't be afraid to speak their loved one's name. Share a memory. Tell a story. Mention something you admired about them. One of the greatest fears of a grieving person is that their loved one will be forgotten.
As a grieving mother, I can assure you that hearing my son's name spoken has always been a gift. It reminds me that his life mattered and that others remember him, too. Your willingness to remember and speak of their loved one is one of the most meaningful acts of kindness you can offer.
Remember Important Dates
Write down important dates and respond accordingly. During the first year, consider reaching out to your friend on the date of their loved one's death. For instance, if they passed away on the 11th, remember them on the 11th of each month.
The grieving person is already aware of these dates. They don't need a reminder; they need to know they aren't carrying the weight of that day alone.
A simple text message, card, or phone call can go a long way. These small gestures communicate, "I remember, and I haven't forgotten your loved one."
Listen Well
When your friend is ready to talk, be there to listen. Resist the urge to fix her pain or offer easy answers. Often, the greatest gift you can give is a listening ear and a safe place to share her heart.
There is a cost to mourn with those who mourn because you enter into another person's pain. And if you are like me, you feel it deep in your soul. But take comfort, friend: the same God who sustains her will sustain you too.
Give Grace
Chances are, this loss has changed her, and she may be struggling to comprehend what life looks like now. Healing takes time, and grief rarely follows a predictable path. While this season may introduce a new dynamic to your friendship, that is not always a bad thing. Relationships often deepen as we walk through difficult circumstances together.
Give yourself grace, too. Supporting a grieving friend can feel like an awkward dance at times, and it's okay if you don't get everything right. The fact that you care means far more than perfection ever could.
Ask the Lord to lead you and strengthen you as you pour into your friend. He will meet you in the deep waters, sustain you with His grace, and equip you for every good work.
You don't need the perfect words to minister to a grieving friend. Most of the time, a faithful presence, a listening ear, and a willing heart are exactly what they need.
Until next time,
Missy
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
